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"1-800-TALILAW...Baitullah speaking. How may we assist you?" |
| "Hello, is that you Baitullah the Mouthpiece? Hazem here." |
| "Is that Bazooka Hazem? Where are you?" |
|
"I have been picked up by GI's and brought to Bagram Air Base." |
| "Did they read to you your American arresting rights, Hazem?" |
|
"Of course. Twice...
...first by the GI's translator when they were taking me off the back of the Toyota and then again by an intelligence agent just before handing me this phone to call you." |
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"Did they rough you up, Hazem?" |
| "Not a mark on me. They even gave me a bottle of Daisani and a granola bar when we got here." |
| "Are there any witnesses I can contact who would testify at the trial?" |
| "It depends who is left after the drone fly-over. Probably not." |
| "Did you read the label on the granola bar? If there is anything non-Halal in it like pork lard maybe we can get them on a breach of your civil rights." |
| "No dice. They read to me the ingredients. I was hungry. I ate quickly and the wrapper was taken away with the empty water bottle." |
| "Did they play offensive music?" |
| "No." |
|
"Is the detention area temperature too hot or cold? How about the lighting." |
| "No. It's actually pretty comfy in here." |
| "Oh, I almost forgot. Did you ask if you can pray?" |
| "Yes, and they gave me a clean new Koran and said that I would be able to hear the calls to prayer over the PA system. There is an arrow on the floor of my cell that points to Mecca." |
| "Sounds like they covered their backsides well, Hazem. Attorney General Holder should be proud of their service. I will re-read the ACLU tips and work on a loophole. I will visit you if and when I can put some kind of defense together." |
| "You mean..." |
| "Yes. You will probably remain in custody at least until they pull out of Afghanistan. But don't worry...the R&R camp in Cuba may not be closing so soon. Actually, you deserve a rest and some time to catch up on your reading after working so hard at the jihad." |
| "Should I demand that they martyr me, Baitullah?" |
| "Sure, if you are prepared to hold your breath until they elect a president who understands who you really are and who will not dishonor your religious belief by trying to convince the infidels that you are merely a common criminal." |
| "What if I just say that I am sorry and ask an ACLU attorney to help me get political asylum in Amerika?" |
| "Go for it, Hazem! This might work, but the window is only open until their regime changes." |